Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
