someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
