Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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