Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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