i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...