On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
