the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
3pm strippers are depressing
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm sobbing to NWA
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
