News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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