I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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