I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
