my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
