who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
