dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
