I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
