I have demons in me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
