It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
