I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
