One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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