I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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