she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
