Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
