one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
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Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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