so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
