I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
