so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
