The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
