like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS