I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
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There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.