Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?