Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing