you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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