Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
