If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
as a side note pls kill me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
