Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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