My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just gift wrapped bread.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
