You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
