I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
