ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
