Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
