her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
