If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
