3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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