No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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