Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
