Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you had me at cake vodka
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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