When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
