And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
