Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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