Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
