she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
