Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
