note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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