Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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