God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
