if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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