does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
