my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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