i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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