Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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