the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
