So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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