there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
