Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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