I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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