if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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