John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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