she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
