He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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