After last night, I could never be a politician.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
